Close My Eyes
by half-goddess-Katia
Summary: Harry is getting tired of it all, and only one person can help. Suicide themes and gay couple.


"Close My Eyes"  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, that honor belongs to J.K. Rowling. Though the plot I put these characters is mine and mine alone. Also, the song "Close My Eyes" doesn't belong to me, that belongs to Mariah Carey.  
  
I was listening to this song and the idea just hit me because the song seems to describe Harry perfectly. Well, at least in my opinion it does.  
  
Also, this is a slash (gay relationship) story. If you have a problem with that then don't read this story. And you can shove any comments against this pairing your ass because, frankly, I don't honestly care what you think. I like most pairing in HP that I've seen, both with straight and gay relationships, and this happens to be the one I wanted to use for this story.  
  
This story has slight spoilers for all books. So, naturally, read at your own risk.  
  
This fic. also contains suicidal themes. Remember people, this is an angst story so don't expect it to be all cheery and happy.  
  
I also apologize for all those who are waiting for another chapter in another of my fic.'s, but I'm currently having a bad case of writers block for those stories.  
  
All that said, you may now get on with the story, Comments and helpful criticisms will be appreciated and any unhelpful criticisms can be shoved right where those homophobes can put their opinion.  
  
*~*~*~* =transition from song to story or visa-versa  
  
A twenty year-old Harry Potter stood out on the balcony of the home he shared with his husband. He closed his eyes and raised his head to the moon, remembering when he'd first realized he was in love.  
  
It had been at a very difficult time in his life, his seventh year. They'd been losing the war at the time and he had lost many of the people he'd cared about. All the while, the revelation from his fifth year had been weighing heavily on his mind.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
I was a wayward child  
  
With the weight of the world  
  
That I held deep inside  
  
Life was a winding road  
  
And I learned many things  
  
Little ones shouldn't know  
  
But I closed my eyes  
  
Steadied my feet on the ground  
  
Raised my head to the sky  
  
And though time's rolled by  
  
Still I feel like that child  
  
As I look at the moon  
  
Maybe I grew up  
  
A little too soon  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
A seventeen year-old Harry Potter looked grimly at the ministry owl in front of him. It was breakfast in the Great Hall when a flock of these owls had arrived. Ever since the war had taken a turn for the worse everyone had learned to fear seeing these owls fly toward them. These owls told people of family members deaths, but for Harry they carried all the names of Voldemort's latest victims. The ministry seemed to think that since he was the Boy Who Lived he had a right to know all those who died. Dumbledore had tried to convince them otherwise, but they had been adamant.  
  
Harry picked up the letter and, with a nod at Hermione and Ron-both of whom were engrossed in each other and hadn't noticed him-, left the Great Hall. Thankfully it was Saturday so he didn't have to worry about missing any classes.  
  
Harry went up to the fifth floor and stopped in front of the statue of Boris the Bewildered. He muttered the password, 'lemony fresh', that he'd gotten from Ron. He quickly walked over to the benches next to the sinks. With shaking hands he opened the letter.  
  
'Dear Mr. Potter,  
  
We regret to inform you that in the latest Death Eater attack there were forty-three found dead and ten found injured. The names of those who died are listed below.'  
  
Harry read through the list of names of those lost. He registered a few surnames that sounded familiar, probably relatives of the students at school. But it was the last one that affected him the most. The name was of someone he'd met in his fifth year during his stay at the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. The name read 'Nymphadora Tonks.'  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Funny how one can learn  
  
To grow numb to the madness  
  
And block it away  
  
I left the worse unsaid  
  
Let it all dissipate  
  
And I try to forget  
  
But I closed my eyes  
  
Steadied my feet on the ground  
  
Raised my head to the sky  
  
And though time's rolled by  
  
Still I feel like a child as I look at the moon  
  
Maybe I grew up  
  
A little too soon  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Harry set the paper down and held his head in his hands. He and Tonks had become friends quickly when she, Mr. Weasley, and Remus had taken him from the Dursleys in the summer before his sixth year. They had done so when they hadn't received any owls from him for a while and came to check on him only to find him bruised, battered, and malnourished courtesy of the Dursleys. He hadn't cried since the beginning of that summer. Since after the death of Sirius, the first person that Harry had lost.  
  
Though Sirius was the first person that Harry had gotten close to that had died, he certainly wasn't the last.  
  
'Sirius, Hagrid, Oliver, Bill, Mr. And Mrs. Granger, Luna, Dean, McGonagall, Flitwick, Hooch, and so many others have died, all because they knew me in some way. All because I haven't defeated Riddle yet and fulfilled the prophecy. It's all my fault. It probably would've been better if I'd died that night, or if I'd never been born at all. If I'd never been born than my parents would still be alive. It's all my fault.' Yet, despite his thoughts, Harry still shed no tears. 'That's why I can't tell him I love him. I'll put him in more danger if anyone knew. I can't tell anyone, especially not him.'  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Nearing the edge  
  
Oblivious I almost  
  
Fell right over  
  
A part of me  
  
Will never be quite able  
  
To feel stable  
  
That woman-child falling in side  
  
Was on the verge of fading  
  
Thankfully I  
  
Woke up on time  
  
Guardian angel I  
  
Sail away on an ocean  
  
With you by my side  
  
Orange clouds roll by  
  
They burn into your image  
  
And you're still alive  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Harry, without quite remembering the time in between, found himself with his pocketknife resting with the blade flat against his wrist. This had happened sometimes since he'd been taken from the Dursleys and had only escalated in frequency since they had started to lose the war. He could have been heading down to the kitchens or doing homework in the library and suddenly he'd find himself barracked in a bathroom in the same position he was in now. With the blade flat against his wrist where he could end it all with just a slight shift of the blade. Of course no one knew. Ron and Hermione were too engrossed in each other and had been since they'd gotten together at the beginning of their sixth year. There was no one else who would notice, at least he didn't think so.  
  
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Harry jumped, startled, causing his hand holding the knife to shift it cutting him deeply then fall to the floor. Harry stared mesmerized, not even trying to stop the blood. He heard the knocking again accompanied by a voice shouting his name. It was His voice, this fact dimly registered in Harry now foggy brain. The fact that the knock was becoming frantic also registered. Then he heard the door open and a gasp come from the person who opened it. By now Harry vision was almost black and he closed his eyes. He felt a pair of arms pick him up and heard a voice next to his ear.  
  
"Oh god, Harry. Please, hang on. Please don't die on me. I love you." And then Harry blacked out, the part that of his brain that registered those words jumping for joy all the while.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
But I closed my eyes  
  
Steadied my feet on the ground  
  
Raised my head to the sky  
  
And though time's rolled by  
  
Still I feel like a child  
  
As I look at the moon  
  
Maybe I grew up  
  
A little too soon  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Harry was abruptly pulled out of his reminiscence by a pair of arms wrapping around his waist and the voice of his husband whispering in his ear. "What were you thinking about, love?"  
  
"I was thinking about the first time you told me you loved me." Harry replied, turning to face the man behind him, his green eyes shining.  
  
"I didn't exactly choose the most romantic of times, did I?"  
  
"No, but no one could exactly blame you." Harry said.  
  
"No I guess they couldn't." The man said before kissing Harry. When they stopped for need of air he said, "I do love you Harry."  
  
Harry gazed lovingly at the amber eyed, tan-haired man in front of him before saying, "I love you too Remus."  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
What do you think? Good? Great? Bad? So terrible I should never write again? Please review and give me your opinions, they'll be greatly appreciated. 


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